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Nurse's Dictionary

A to CD to HI to OP to ST to Z

Impotent ~ Distinguished, well known.
Influenza ~ Occupational disease of chimney sweeps.
INR ~ Me and she.
Iritis ~ Grammatically-challenged claim of infallibility.
Iron Defficiency ~ Letting the laundry pile up again.
Irritable Hip ~ Frustrated flower child
IVI ~ Climbing plant that favours walls and ancient structures.

Joules ~ Someone’s name.

Kg ~ A container of beer.

Labor Pain ~ Getting hurt at work.
Laparoscope ~ Instrument for detecting Eskimaux. Sorry, Innuits.
Lens ~ It belongs to Leonard.
Luer Lock ~ Washroom security device.

Malabsorption ~ Stalking Malcolm.
Malformation
~ Everyone on parade seems to be called Malcolm.
Mammogram
~ Urgent message to mother.
Manometer
~ Device for measuring masculinity.
Marsupialization
~ Excision of kangaroo.
Menstrual cycle
~ Has three wheels.
Migraine ~ Farmer asserting property rights over his crops.
Minor Operation ~ Digging for coal.
Minor Surgery ~ Pediatric operations.
Miscarriage ~ Poor manual handling technique.
Misuse of Drugs ~ Substance abuse by unmarried women.
Monocyte ~ Blind in one eye.
Morbid ~ A higher offer.
MRSA ~ Mr A's wife.

Nasal Speculae ~ Spectacles without earpieces; Pince-nez.
Neurotic
~ One who builds castles in the air (see Psychotic).
Nitrates
~ Cheaper than day rates.
Node ~ Was aware of.
Nurses Uniform ~ They all look equally underpaid.
Nursery ~ Where health care workers are reared.

O.D. ~ Something strange.
Operation ~ Unable to get to the opera as often as you'd like to.
Orchidectomy ~ Cutting out unwanted flowers.
Organic ~ Church musician.
Outpatient ~ A person who fainted.

 

If you know of a nurse who's temporarily hospitalized, send a standard nurses dictionary, a printout of these pages and a pen - that should help while away the hours!

 
25 June 2008 | Copyright Andrew Heenan |
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