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Nurse's Dictionary

 A to DE to LM to PR to Z 

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Malabsorption ~ Stalking Malcolm.
Malformation
~ Everyone on parade seems to be called Malcolm.
Mammogram
~ Urgent message to mother.
Manometer
~ Device for measuring masculinity.
Marsupialization
~ Excision of kangaroo.
Menstrual cycle
~ Has three wheels.
Migraine ~ Farmer asserting property rights over his crops.
Minor Operation ~ Digging for coal.
Minor Surgery ~ Pediatric operations.
Miscarriage ~ Poor manual handling technique.
Misuse of Drugs ~ Substance abuse by unmarried women.
Monocyte ~ Blind in one eye.
Morbid ~ A higher offer.
MRSA ~ Mr A's wife.

Nasal Speculae ~ Spectacles without earpieces; Pince-nez.
Neurotic
~ One who builds castles in the air (see Psychotic).
Nitrates
~ Cheaper than day rates.
Node ~ Was aware of.
Nurses Uniform ~ They all look equally underpaid.
Nursery ~ Where health care workers are reared.

O.D. ~ Something strange.
Operation ~ Unable to get to the opera as often as you'd like to.
Orchidectomy ~ Cutting out unwanted flowers.
Organic ~ Church musician.
Outpatient ~ A person who fainted.

Pacemaker ~ Time and motion study on a cardiac ward.
Pap Smear
~ A fatherhood test.
Parenterally ~ A doting mom or dad.
Parenteral Feeding ~ Involving the parents at meal times.
Pathologist ~ patient living with pathology (qv).
Pathology ~ Counting the cracks on a paved surface.
Pediatric ~ Passing urine in a hat to amuse the kids.
Pelvis ~ Cousin to Elvis.
Pelvic Floor Exercises ~ Keeping fit with Elvis-style dancing.
Platelets ~ For pateints with small appetites.
Postoperative ~ A letter carrier.
Pressure Areas ~ Understaffed departments.
Private Hospital ~ Where soldiers go for treatment.
Pronation ~ A patriot.
Protein ~ In favor of young people.
Psittacosis ~ Pneumonia resulting from a sedentary lifestyle.
Psychiatrist ~ One who collects the rent (see Neurotic; Psychotic).
Psychotic
~ One who lives in castles in the air (See Neurotic; Psychiatrist).
Pubic hair ~ A type of wild rabbit.
P-wave ~ Commode required. Now-ish.
Pyrexia ~ Uncontrollable urge to set things on fire.

 A to DE to LM to PR to Z 
 

If you know of a nurse who's temporarily hospitalized, send a standard nurses dictionary, a printout of these pages and a pen - that should help while away the hours!

 
   
2 May 2016 | Copyright Andrew Heenan | | Privacy
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